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Me Suffer Now

ÛKBÛK: “Hello everyone, and welcome to your first day of orientation under the Bright Lord! My name is Ûkbûk and I’ll be your Experience Coordinator here at Cirith Ungol. We’re having these sessions in small groups so I can hear your concerns and listen to your feedback.

“I’m sure you’re a little disoriented after being forcibly branded, whether you were grabbed from behind or pounced on from a tower or because you didn’t see a human ranger sprinting directly at you in broad daylight across a flat plain while you were totally sober.”

An orc in black armor at night.

Peace Among Worlds

What the (burp) heck was that? It’s so stupid, Morty! Wh-why-why would I do anything for the President of the United States? I don’t care about him. I only helped out with the Cromulon situation because the Earth would have been destroyed. Do you know how disruptive that would have been to my work? Now I’m harrassing this jerk on priiiinciple? You said you didn’t want the selfie. Didn’t I just say that an adventure requires stakes and a way for me to benefit? And now I’m solving the middle east peace process for fun?

I mean… okay, but it’s not what I wanted.

Rick and Morty talking to the President of the United States and some military officers in a jungle.

Halo: Installation 07

During my time at 343 Industries, I toyed around with a pitch for a game for Xbox One. It would use the power of the new console to render an entire Halo installation. I wanted it to be a vehicle-centered sandbox with occasional on-foot bits, possibly in third person. Imagine taking a stock Warthog and upgrading it throughout the game, turning it into a Covenant Killer or Forerunner Flattener. I’m not saying I had it all figured out (hence why the pitch bombed in concept), so if this doesn’t seem fully baked to you… it wasn’t.

I wasn’t sure which installation to use, so I put down 07 as a starting point. They’ve all had such a grand history, even the ones Master Chief didn’t blow up. Please feel free to use this for your next game, Bonnie Ross.

Or whoever.

Remember to Forget

What would you ask the Gaming Fairy to make you forget?

Final Fantasy VI

My absolute favorite RPG and, um, obvious inspiration. I love the characters, the way the story builds, losing Terra at one point, the escape from Vector, your brief foray into the land of Espers. Especially the stunning second half where the bad guy wins and destroys the world. Rebuild your team and take him down.

Final Fantasy VI cover art, Terra leans over her Magitek armor, overseeing the city below.

That Next Next Next

The Resident Evil series is already known for its famous (infamous?) doors, and these new doors were almost surely the result of a lot of careful toil and consideration. I bet there was a whole team that worked on them. Month after month, just getting those doors nice and polished. We can’t ship until the doors are working, guys. Gotta pull some overtime and finish up the doors.

Kirk Hamilton on Kotaku

I’ve watched Markiplier play Resident Evil 7 and I agree: the door gameplay is amazing.

A spooky white door, barely ajar

Bravely Diffident

Bravely Default is the most anime game I’ve ever played. It’s the animest (/ˈæn.ɪ.meɪɛst/).

Woman with long black hair in a white dress, sitting on a tree branch, kissing a butterfly

You control an innocent farm boy named Tiz, the kind of blank-stare everyman Invader Zim might terrorize. He’s joined by Agnès, priestess and beneficiary of modern Unicode text input, who attempts to save the world by being really really demure at everyone.

The Best Jurassic Park Sequel

Jurassic Park failed because Dennis Nedry was underpaid.

As a bidding contractor he shares the blame, but in the tech world we’d call him a bad hire. John Hammond says so himself through spoonfuls of ice cream in the Visitor’s Center. There are more specific lessons:

  • Invest in a build server so compile jobs can’t be expected to take down the security cameras
  • Use a source control system to track when your developers install backdoors
  • Upgrade every workstation’s graphics cards so your 3D fly-though Unix systems scroll at a reasonable pace.

Jurassic World has more than one point of failure. I’m going to discuss them all now, in detail, so beware of spoilers for the entire movie.

I can do anything better than you!

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