I’m addicted to Blizzard’s Hearthstone. Which is weird because I despise card games. Maybe not having to handle the physical cards is helpful? Or the simple-yet-complex strategy of the game itself? I’ve tried Magic the Gathering but it didn’t stick with me. I like how a game of Hearthstone can be over quickly so you’re not staring down two dozen cards in various orientations.

The other love of my life is Archer. While playing Hearthstone last night I wondered what the ISIS crew would make of this game. So here are some Archer-themed Hearthstone cards and effect ideas.

• TRUCKASAURUS: Minion can reach past enemy minions with taunt
• OTHER BARRY: Minion leaves for two turns and returns with triple damage and health
• HOW HARD IS IT TO POACH A GODDAMN EGG: If minion fails to kill target on the first attack, toss its clothing off the balcony
• MR. BLOODMOBILE: Every time another minion attacks, lose 1 health
• GREEN RUSSIAN: Attack power doubled next turn, then minion falls asleep for two turns
• DR. SPELTZ CALLING: Minion’s attacks alternate between causing damage and having no effect
• WHICH IS THIRD IN THE WORLD: Double damage when minion is the third one to attack in a turn
• OH MY GOD THERE IS NO BOMB: Minion appears to do 10 damage but actually does zero
• WHAT RAY, YOU ALREADY HAVE THE CHAIR: Minion temporarily goes down to 1 health during opponent’s turn
• BLOB MARLEY: Silence three minions for one turn
• JUST THE TIP: Enemy dies if your attack leaves them with 1 health
• DIVERSITY DOUBLE WHAMMY: After playing this card, play another card of a different type
• NOT AS MUCH AS I LOVE… CHOCOLATE: Attack damages target and two adjacent minions
• DUCHESS: Rename a minion to something emasculating
• M AS IN MANCY: Enemy minions hit themselves when attacking
• I WILL LITERALLY DIE: Minion dies if not played every turn
• MIND CONTROL MIKROCHIP: Enemy minion randomly attacks comrades when you cast a spell
• BLOOD SWAP: Exchange health with an enemy minion
• THIS IS GONNA BE AHHMAZING: Minion has +5 damage but silences adjacent minions when placed
• THREE BIGGEST FEARS: Minion is unable to attack Crocolisks
• CHOKE ME: Attacks less than 3 damage heal this minion
• BENOIT: Hero says “BALLS” every time this minion attacks

UPDATE: Now with more Archstone.