Blog » Weyland Science Mission Procedures and Precautions

CONTAINS MILD SPOILERS FOR THE MOVIE PROMETHEUS (2012)

  • When choosing a landing site on an alien planet, park as close as possible to the nearest foreign structure. Ideally within comfortable walking distance. You don’t want the monster that just ate your away team to get winded on its way back to eat you and your crew!
  • If a science team member tells you not to bring weapons, listen to her. You may have done this a dozen times before, and she zero, and your entire job may be to carry the gun and shoot the things, but look at those puppy dog eyes. How could you bear to disappoint her and save her life by shooting the monster that tried to kill her?
  • Your environment scanner is infallible. If it says the air is breathable, don’t hesitate to rip off your helmet and enjoy the atmosphere. Be sure to drop the helmet where you stand and not, say, attach it to your belt in case the air changes. Because it never does. That’s how air works.
  • As you venture down the crypt-like corridors, sing the official Weyland Adventuring Song: “Don’t touch anything!” We at Weyland have no idea what this song means. It must be in a different language. It’s likely a good luck charm, intended to be uttered just before sticking your fingers in writhing black goop.
  • Your suit is equipped with perfect GPS that works through miles of solid rock. But if you split up from the group and get lost, make no attempt to contact the ship. They will radio you when it’s time to return to the spooky place with the vases and get eaten.
  • Found an alien corpse? Great! Weyland pays a bounty for alien skulls. Pick it up and store it in your Ziploc brand XenoStorage bag. While it’s vacuuming out the air, feel free to sing the Weyland Adventuring Song. “Don’t touch anything!”
  • Are you the hardass captain of the mission? Don’t enforce any rules you may have established prior to touchdown. Remember, you can’t spell “Weyland” without “anarchy.” No you can’t. No you can’t. Fine then, we’ll have to add some letters.
  • Keeping with the constant holiday theme on Weyland vessels, open any artifacts you retrieve immediately. Too heavy? Make the robot do it! Just think of the exploding viscera as colored tissue paper. Merry Christmas!
  • Some ships have a billion dollar automatic doctor on board. While this device is capable of miraculous life saving surgery, it does not have any password protection. It does, however, feature natural language processing when choosing an operation. It is also sexist.
  • Since Weyland’s goal is to weaponize alien technology and life forms, we have equipped your ship with state of the art alien killing tools: one flamethrower, to share. Oh, and a few pistols and something that might be a shotgun. Good luck!
  • When waking an ancient alien from cryo sleep, crowd around his pod and bark demands while he heaves from shock. Point guns at his face and switch languages rapidly until he responds. It’s usually best to start with big requests like “save me from dying,” which is a popular hobby among alien species.
  • Other medical bays have glass boxes with rubber gloves on the inside so scientists can manipulate dangerous objects in safety. At Weyland we think you’re braver than that, so we separated the gloves from the box. Enjoy downy cotton-lined gloves in your exact size while an alien head is convulsing on the operating table three inches from your exposed eyeball. “Don’t touch anything!”