Blog / Me Suffer Now

ÛKBÛK: “Hello everyone, and welcome to your first day of orientation under the Bright Lord! My name is Ûkbûk and I’ll be your Experience Coordinator here at Cirith Ungol. We’re having these sessions in small groups so I can hear your concerns and listen to your feedback.

“I’m sure you’re a little disoriented after being forcibly branded, whether you were grabbed from behind or pounced on from a tower or because you didn’t see a human ranger sprinting directly at you in broad daylight across a flat plain while you were totally sober.”

An orc in black armor at night.

NAZDÜG: “I was br-branded while standing on a ledge, I think?”

ÛKBÛK: “That’s right Nazdüg, the Bright Lord can dominate you while he hangs from a ledge. Great sharing! Everybody give Nazdüg a round of applause for sharing his story!”

(Uruks clapping)

TÂRZ: “That’s nothing! I wuz a captain, I couldn’t just be grabbed and branded, ya know? I commanded a dozen Uruks, all of which the Bright Lord turned against me! Me! Guess it wasn’t a great idea for ’em to march in single file.”

ÛKBÛK: “You’re right to point out that the Bright Lord can be a troublesome addition to a conga line. Very good! Does anyone else want to share?”

ZOG: “I was burned by the Bright Lord. He exploded a set of giant flammable containers we keep everywhere for no reason. Then he teleported into a campfire and blew that up as I ran past it. Then I guess he made a barrel of grog explode by shooting it with an arrow? I tried that myself later but it didn’t explode.”

ÛKBÛK: “Thank you, Zog. I imagine you’re still struggling with some issues with fire.”

ZOG: “Mmm-hm.”

ÛKBÛK: “Have you seen our Fear Reduction Specialist, Tûmûg the Compassionate?”

ZOG: “I have an appointment for next Mersday.”

ÛKBÛK: “Great, great. He’ll definitely be able to help you.”

An orc weilding a fiery tube inflames another orc during a war in a mountainous region.

ÛKBÛK: “I’m happy to announce that we have a special event for you today: one of our experienced Uruk-hai, Khrosh Metal-Beard, is here to talk about how great it is to work for the Bright Lord. Let’s give a big big welcome to our very own Khrosh!”

(Uruks clapping)

KHROSH: “Hi guys! Wow-ee, it’s swell to see to many new faces in the Bright Lord’s army. I bet you’re feeling a little nervous right now. You were just doing your thing in Núren or Seregost and now you’re here fighting for this fella? Whaaaat? But I want you to know that there’s no better place in Middle-Earth for an Uruk who wants to stab his enemies, drink some grog, and have a tremendously terrific third age!”

(Uruks clapping)

KHROSH: “I’ve been in the Bright Lord’s army longer than just about anyone ‘round these parts: a full week. Here are some tips to stay un-decapitated on your first day.

“First, keep your keisters behind the Bright Lord at all times. He has a loooong sword, and I’ve seen him chop the heads off my fellow Uruk when they were just slightly to the side. One time I heard the Bright Lord muttering something about the ‘camera swinging’ but I’ll be jollyknockered if I know what it means.

“Also, peep your peepers for containers of flammable liquid, campfires, and grog barrels. They can and will explode for no reason when the Bright Lord is around. Ah! Zog, I spot a Nervous Pervous. Have you seen Tûmûg yet?”

ZOG: “Next Mersday.”

KHROSH: “Super duper scooper!

“Everyone here should run run run and see Tûmûg as soon as you can. The Bright Lord may forget your fears and send you to fight someone who’ll scare you halfway to Harrowdale! My knitting buddy Malmûg was juuust about to start his Shelob-soothing sessions when the Bright Lord sent him against Tügog the Arachnomancer.

“Say, does anyone here knit?”

(Nazdüg gingerly raises a hand)

KHROSH: “I spy a cool guy!”

ÛKBÛK: “Thanks Khrosh, that was a lot of good information. I’m sure we’ll all remember what you said when we’re out in the field with the Bright Lord. Isn’t that right everybody?”

(Uruks clapping)

Two orcs fighting in a grassy field while a third orc looks at a dead body.

ÛKBÛK: “Okay folks, that’s our orientation for the day. Now let’s talk work assignments. It’s not all punching people, riding Caragors, and drinking grog. The Bright Lord has a full range of extrastabicular activities for you.

“Nazdüg, you’re on platform construction. The Bright Lord needs lots of tall towers from which he can jump down on his enemies.”

NAZDÜG: “I kinda, have fe-fear of hei–”

ÛKBÛK: “Târz, you’ve been added to the Bright Lord’s bodyguard contingent! You have the honor of guarding our glorious leader from other captains and hungry Caragors.”

TÂRZ: “Whut, I gotta march around and stare at some Uruk’s arse all day?”

ÛKBÛK: “Zog, you’re next. Looks like you’re going to be our liason for Daring Durthang’s Dynamite. Make sure you take delivery simultaneously with Isenmouthe’s Incinerants. We can’t have the dynamite being delivered without its combusting agent!”

ZOG: “Are you insa–”

ÛKBÛK: “Look people, I’m just reading from the list I got. Take your concerns up with Thakrak in Uruk-Hai-man Resources. Let’s move, the Bright Lord is enslaving us to do a job!”

Talion walks through a ruined field with orcs wandering about and a castle in the distance.

After-action report

  • NAZDÜG: Slipped and fell from a tower made from spider-rotted wood, caught right leg in rope, slammed face-first against a spider’s nest growing in the beams, tore off left arm while attempting to grab same rope, shattered spine on impact with ground.
    RECOMMENDATION: Stop skimping on spider-rotted wood and upgrade to maggot-rotted.
  • TÂRZ: Lost his group when the Bright Lord used Shadow Strike to leap to a distant tower. Accidentally followed a line of opposing orcs guarding a rival captain and was backstabbed ten minutes later by the Bright Lord in an attempt to thin the enemy ranks.
    RECOMMENDATION: Add giant yellow “Property of the Bright Lord” stickers on all rear armor plating.
  • ZOG: Completed Kûga the Karefül’s 7-step Explosives Handling course, graduted summa cum laude, killed by the Bright Lord when Talion set a war troll on fire and kicked it off a cliff onto a barrel of nitromethane Zog was securing.
    RECOMMENDATION: Have Kûga increase his program to 8 steps.
  • ÛKBÛK: Reminded to stop mixing up box A-8 (frailties) with box A-9 (fortes) on form 3791.