Weddings and baby showers are new things for me. Never been to either one! My high school friends and I scattered across the country after graduation, so I’ve been spared the crushing guilt of watching a friend’s wedding or the honor at being a best man. Last Friday we had a “baby shower” for one of our co-workers at the office.

Rather than involving baby gifts or baby books, we had a writing assignment. Really. Oh, and I shared my new love for GeoGuessr, The Game That Makes You Hate Australia.

As for the writing assignment: use each of the following words at least once in a sentence. The funniest story wins. I didn’t win, but as the prize was one Snickers bar I’m not broken up about it.

1. Rattle
2. Diaper
3. Nursery
4. Bib
5. Bottles
6. Crib
7. Baby food
8. Spaceship
9. Beer
10. Screwdriver
11. Toothbrush
12. Headphones
13. Calendar
14. News

Maybe you can guess that the second half of the words tended to skew the stories to be fairly similar. There’s always a spaceship, and people try desperately to work in a screwdriver or use an alternate meaning for “crib.” I think I did okay. Given a ten minute timer, here’s what I came up with. Read this in your best Zapp Brannigan voice.

The spaceship corridor rattled as Captain Zack Power stumbled against it, beer in hand. The digital calendar read January 1, 1960, but that wasn’t news to him. Even with headphones on, Zack could hear the screwdriver vibrating where he jammed it in the AI’s interface socket. Again the ship shook, dislodging a supply cabinet next to the nursery. He waded through a sea of baby food, bottles, bibs, and diapers. Reaching the captain’s chair, his kickass swiveling crib, Zack reached lazily across the data terminals and put something in his mouth.

“Wait, this isn’t a toothbrush” he said as he pulled the trigger.